Thursday, June 28, 2018

Wheelchairs, quarter medicine & anyone know a jeweler? (Thankful Thursday #178)

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This week I am Thankful For:

Got my ring back!
After my first surgery, they nearly broke my finger off trying to get my wedding ring off of me, rushing me into surgery.  My ring has been too small for awhile. I actually dont think its been OFF of my finger in over 20 years.  So I couldnt get it back on after I got home.  We took it to get resized - & it was kinda a mess on getting it done.  It ended up costing $365!!!! & then they called & said they needed to fix another diamond in it & it would cost another $250.00 ... at this point, Ricky said, Forget it, we'll just buy you a new anniversary ring in October.  But ends up, the jeweler said he could not NOT fix it because he said when he shipped it back to the jewelry store, the diamond would have come out & it would have been his responsibility - so they ended up fixing my diamond without us having to pay.  Thank goodness. $365.00 I still think is crazy high. ... all that to say, I'm thrilled I have my wedding ring back on my finger. ................... side note - its too big now. LOL ... anyone know a good jeweler that wont charge us another $365 to fix it again?

Still love it after all these years

Belle lanyard
I have to wear one at work for my badge that I need access to the building & office floors - so when Ricky came home with this Belle one, I was so stupid happy.  It's the little things.

Prescription costs
So on this blog, there has been a LOT of ranting & raving about my insurance when I had to purchase my own personal policy. It was a mess & a nightmare.  Insurance was the reason I left my job of 25 years - I had to have decent insurance at a cost where I could still live.  So my new amazing job - the insurance here has been an incredible blessing with everything falling apart on me this year. I mean, 2 surgeries? I can't even imagine what it would have cost on my other insurance.  & every time I have had to go to the pharmacy to get a prescription, I am floored when they're like, "That's 35 cents"... WHAT??? ... I even had one prescription where the nurse told me to ask for the cost before I got it filled because it was an expensive one.... it cost me just a little over $5.00.  WHAT????  Thank you Lord!  Thank you Jesus!!!

Wheelchair for momma
A coworker is cleaning out her mother's home where she passed away a few years ago & she has been so generous to give my mom things she thinks she needs. This was a HUGE one for my momma when she brought in a wheelchair for mom. This is going to make life a lot easier to take mom to certain places where its a long walk.  & its BLUE. It was meant to be.  ... I'm telling you - I work with the most amazing people!

Time with family
So glad to get to spend time with family & my uncle this past weekend as he's resting & reflecting on all the life he has lived.  We got to talk about what he wants his funeral to look like & how none of us are made for this world.  Reunions will be had by all when we all get to Heaven together. What a day of rejoicing that will be.

HSM kiddos safe
I am so sad I didnt get to go to Bible & Beach with my HSM girls... no long MSM. Big stuff now - HIGH school girls. WOW!  It's so funny that I didn't make the plans to go because I wouldnt be able to take the time from my new job - little did I know that my world would slowly be crumbling around me with dad passing away & 2 surgeries around the same time.  But so many of my girls got on a bus for a 17 hour drive (OH MERCY) & made it with hundreds of other kiddos from our church for a week on the beach in Florida, with fun & friends & worship & bible study classes. I am soooooo bummed out I'm not with them... but soooo thankful they made it there safely! & the pictures I'm seeing, I know they are being filled up with the Spirit. We're planning on a dinner so they can fill me in when they get back!
*Pray for the safe journey back for all these kiddos this weekend too!!!!!

... Made it a week with no surgery!
I'm totally going to add this one on every week I can!!! Hopefully for the rest of the year!?!?!? (Fingers crossed - hands raised in prayer!!)

What are you thankful for this week?

Wednesday, June 27, 2018

Probably the most depressing What's Up Wednesday ever.....

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So I said if I got back to normal postings, it would be a little depressing... & I'm trying here - but be warned, this is probably the most depressing What's up Wednesday I've ever done...

...I'm trying y'all...

What We're Eating This Week
For the past few 2 months, since surgeries & funerals & more surgeries, its basically been a "if its edible, grab it & eat it" kinda dinners....
& pizza.
So some healthy stuff.

What I'm Reminiscing About
Feeling normal.
Remembering what it feels like to sit down without thinking about having pain.
I told someone just yesterday that I dont even remember what it feels like to not have pain sitting or walking.  That's bad.

What I'm Loving
They are priceless.
I've so loved going over & over pictures & remembering the moments with my daddy.
Wish I took more video though. I wish I had his voice in more things.

What We've Been Up To
Trying to make sure this incision stays clean & open as long as possible so it doesnt seal up trapping more infection & leading me to surgery #3
What an exciting life we lead.

What I'm Dreading
... possible surgery #3

What I'm Working On
Trying to get my house back in order.
Being down & out for 2 months - my house could literally be labeled a disaster area at this point.
I did get some laundry done & some cleaning this past Saturday.
it's all slow going & little bits at a time.
My bedroom?  Just bring in a dumpster at this point - I'm ready to throw out everything & start fresh

What I'm Excited About
A day off next week.
Not that I haven't had a lot the past 6 weeks
- but at least this one doesnt count against my vacation days!

What I'm Watching / Reading
Since I was bed ridden the past few weeks, I've gotten hooked on Grace & Frankie on Netflix.
oh my gosh... LOVE this show.
I'm on the final season & trying to just watch one every few days to drag it out.
The next season doesnt start till next year & I'll be lost without my hippie loving Frankie.

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What I'm Listening To
We played this at dad's funeral & I've been listening to it almost every day since

What I'm Wearing
Lots of swing dresses.
Anything that doesnt require touching my rear end.
Funny how much this abscess has effected every area of my life.

What I'm doing this Weekend
Hope to make the trip out to visit my uncle again this weekend.
We went out last weekend to see him as well.
He's in hospice care & after a near 4 year battle with pancreatic cancer, bless his heart, he's tired & worn out after all these years of this battle
Me, Ricky & mom enjoyed spending the day with him & family last weekend laughing at memories... hoping to go out with my brother & nieces to see him again.

What I'm Looking Forward to Next Month
Hopefully a surgery free month!!!

Geez... that was tough one, wasn't it

Friday, June 22, 2018

I seriously need your opinions here.... especially by Monday!

OK y'all... I need some thoughts.  Serious thoughts here!  I think I need outsiders views & opinions on this.

My brain is basically mush after the past 2 months & I just dont know what to do... & guess what we're talking about.

My stupid perianal abscess that just doesn't want to leave me & continue to make my life miserable.


1st surgery on April 29 ....

2nd surgery on June 8th

... & it STILL hurts & feels like another abscess is forming.

To be honest - here's what's happening - & if this is too much for you - just skip this part - but come back at the end, because I want your thoughts .................
The incision is still open - the area that I had a tube in for a week is now closing with nothing in it. So what was originally the size of a quarter, its about the size of a dime now - but its still open - its still draining.
Here's the gross part..... it's still yucky stuff coming out. Some light color blood & looks like pus or some sort of infection.
Which all scares me because if that keeps coming out & the hole closes up - guess what? Back in for yet ANOTHER surgery.

Plus, it just still hurts. & granted, its been 2 weeks since my surgery & I have a gapping hole in my butt. But it hurts INSIDE. & I can feel a little knot where the incision is as well.  AND it hurts outside too - hurts to sit (STILL) & just feels like pressure when I sit down.  MISERABLE.

SOOOO - here's where I need your opinion at.

My family is suggesting for me to go to another doctor.  & I got an appointment with a doctor that has done my dad's & my brother's colonoscopies every year.  He even did my dad's colon reconstruction surgery when dad had colon cancer 13 years ago.  So we trust this guy - & he has a lot of experience under his belt.  Like over 20 years.

& then, the surgeon that I've been going to - he's a baby face. Like, literally, a baby face. He's only been a surgeon for 6 years.  & while he's been pleasant enough, I question his experience in this.  BUT ... & that's not a pun, (or is it?) ..... he knows my story & my situation & has been with me since day 1.  He knows I dont want packing - I'd rather have a tube stick out of me for a week than packed.... he knows TRULY what my insides looks like & I think there's something there for someone who can go back inside of your body & see if there have been any changes from the previous surgery.

& I soooo understand that this is just something that once you get it, the odds are SUPER HIGH of re-occurrence so I also understand that while this baby-doctor may be inexperienced, some things aren't in his control.  

Or is it? I dont know.... would a more experienced doctor know what to look for to prevent it from coming back? 


So - obviously - I dont know what to do here.

Ironic thing?  My original surgeon called to do a follow up after I called him about the pain - & guess what - he scheduled the SAME TIME as the doctor my family thinks I should go to.

I now have to make a choice - & I hate choices... & I dont know what to do.

What I WANT to do - is to have all this go away & not need either surgeon. Lord, let it be!

But, do I stick with who knows me & that has minimum experience?

Or do I go with the experienced doctor & start fresh with him?


What would you do?

Thursday, June 21, 2018

Give Thanks in All circumstances...... {Thankful Thursday #177}

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So I'm going to try & ease back into this - because even in the worst of times, there are amazing things to be thankful for.

& I know I've not been the best at writing down the things in the past few weeks, though I know they've been there. It's been what has gotten me through the past 2 months.

The ones I have written down, I've lost track of my numbering as well - so I'm just letting that go for the rest of the year. 

So here we go.... Giving thanks in all circumstances

Vacation days at work
Who knew I'd change jobs & then have to have 2 surgeries back to back?  This could be really bad.  Luckily, I started off my job with 17 days of vacation time.  & I'm going through them FAST - I only have 4 left for the year, but at least I've had them & they've covered my time off with my surgeries.  Now, let's pray that I wont need these last 4 for any more surgeries (Please Jesus - PLEASE!!!)

Finished blanket
When all you can do is lay in bed with a catheter sticking out of your back side, I got a lot of yarn stuff done. Including a blanket I've been working on for my nieces in their school colors. It fits a queen sized bed - so hopefully it will be loved on for years to come.

McDonalds Coke
OK - I'm not a fan of sodas. I gave up Diet Coke about 10 years ago & dont want to go back - but I was so sick on pain meds that I needed some sort of fizz & got a coke from McDonalds on the way home from the hospital.  Do you know - that thing lasted in my fridge, in the cup they give you - for a WEEK! & it tasted fresh & fizzy the whole week long so I could just sip it when I needed to.  That's probably not the healthiest thing in the world for something to be able to do that - especially when my sparkling seltzer water fizzes out in about 30 minutes after its open - but when you're not feeling well, its the little things that make you happy - even if its not the healthiest.

Catheter out!!!
Sweet relief!  Sitting fully on my back side felt like the most amazing thing of my week. 

Sweet love shown on Father's Day
Like I mentioned before - all the sweet messages & texts sent out to me on Father's Day - it really was soothing to my soul on a painful day.  Every person who thought of me & lifted prayers during the day for me, I APPRECIATE YOU!!!!! Please know that. I wish I could give you all one big hug!!!

First Responder
Before this last surgery, at work, they sent me to a First Responder Training. I loved it - every single moment of it. Except having to sit 4.5 hours when I had an abscess ready to rupture - but loved learning all the things CPR & how to do all sorts of first aid training.  It's just good to know in case I ever run across a situation - I'll feel prepared - or hope I will. I get to take the training every 2 years to keep my certification. Can I say it again how much I love my job!

... & just because life has been full of yuck & gloom... here's a picture of our BABY...
can you believe how BIG Ernie has gotten?????

Tuesday, June 19, 2018

I survived Father's Day

Well, I survived Father's Day.

I actually think I did fairly well considering that it was just one month & one day to dad passing away.

I knew when he passed away, it was going to be especially hard the following few months. It's not like its hard enough on its own.  But I also knew that June was Father's Day & July is even worse laying ahead. It's my mom & dad's anniversary & it's his birthday.  I guess there's never really a good time for dad to pass away, but man, what a tough reminder when you have Father's Day & his birthday right after.

Anyways - I did what I needed to do - stayed away from all things social media. 
I stayed off Instagram - kept away from Facebook - but did visit Twitter some throughout the day, just because you dont see a lot of pictures & it's not as personal over there as it is the other sites.

Plus, I had to post about my Queer Eye Season 2 love.... the Fab 5 helped me through the day.

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Episode 1 is EVERYTHING of Season 2 - EVERYTHING!!!!!

& I also started binging Parenthood. Which could have been a big trigger to set me off, watching this family always coming together - but I really did enjoy passing the day away with the The Braverman's.

I have to say, I visited Facebook Monday morning & saw the Father's day pics still flowing in & all the happy hugs with dads everywhere... & I had to turn it back off.  I'll give it a few days to let everyone continue their celebrating... which they should. I hope if you still have your daddy around - you celebrated it up big time.  I always knew dads were a precious thing - but now?  I feel like they're a treasure & wish that people that don't care to call their dads, or visit, or send a card, or show any caring.... I wish they could know how empty the world will be without them & you'd long for Father's Day do-over.

Sorry... went down a rabbit hole.

The highlight of my weekend:
Mom learning to Click List.  
Dad did the grocery shopping for himself & mom & I had taught dad to Click List, which he loved because since they have expanded the grocery story, his poor knee couldnt handle the walk. "You know you have to walk nearly a 5k to get a gallon of milk & then go back up for bread?" .... I heard that a dozen times.  Mom isn't much for computer technology anyways - just ask everyone who has tried to call her cell phone & she has no idea how to answer it - nor hang up if you ever are talking to her. Hang on the line if you want - you'll hear probably her next hour long TV schedule playing in the background.  But she was gung-ho to learn how to order her own groceries & schedule a time for us to pick them up for her - I love this feature so much. 

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But mom picked up on it fast.  & she just enjoyed 'browsing' at all the food that grocery stores have now.  It really was like she was gazing down aisles.  We're just glad she's stocked up with food to last about 2 weeks now.

THAT'S HOT ... & I'm not talking Paris Hilton
We got to enjoy the heat this weekend. & not just the horrible heat from a 98 degree day.  I had spent Saturday with mom virtually all day long & got home around 8:30 to find out there was a huge outage that covered like 4 towns. 

I took my Kindle outside & read until I couldnt see any more & then went back inside & read by flashlight - no reading outside with flashlights less I want every bug in the world to come see what I'm reading.  & we waited... & waited... & waited.  Oh man. It got hot.  The dogs panting on the floor & trying not to let blankets or anything touch you is not fun.... but luckily, the electricity came on around 12:30am & sweet relief. That wasn't fun.

So yeah - I'm still healing. Still in pain from the surgery.  Got the catheter out on Thursday so glad to be able to sit a little bit better - not much - but a little bit.  Just praying praying PRAYING that this is it. The surgeon had to tell me once again that the odds of a re-occurrence are STILL HIGH. Are you kidding me?  He said he's never seen one happen so fast to the other - reminder: I had 2 surgeries in less than 6 weeks because of this. I still can't wrap my mind around it all.

But I'm still draining - which is good - I want every bit of infection out & that's the only way it can happen.  So walking around with a quarter size hole is always fun stuff.... & I'm living terrified.  Every little itch, burn, ache, any iota of pain, I'm like, ITS BACK!  MY INFECTION IS BACK.  I'm so nervous about it now.  Nope - nervous & terrified doesnt even adequately say how fearful I am of having this happen for the 3rd time. 

I just keep trying to remind myself that God has a purpose & a plan & to just be at peace about that.... but man.  I need a break. I really do.

& finally, I just wanted to thank so many of you all. I got so many texts, messages, emails - the kindest words sent to me on Father's Day of friends letting me know they were thinking of me & praying for me on my first Father's Day without my daddy.  It really meant the world to me. Every single message - they brought tears to my eyes. Happy Tears. I need more of those kind than the other that have been pouring out.

Pressing On!

Tuesday, June 12, 2018

The kicking continues.....

Man... when it rains, it pours... doesn't it?

Not like life has been sucky enough lately... I guess it felt like seeing just HOW much suck can fit in a month....

So, let's recap - shall we?  I started off the first of May with an emergency surgery with a strange & not usual condition... you can find the recap here if you missed all the fun.

Then, let's make note of the horrible life changing event that I never thought could happen - loosing my daddy.... which, for the record, STILL doesnt seem real....

& then this past weekend happened....

I could tell that my body wasn't healing right.  If you heard me at the hospital dad was in, or the funeral home during his service, you heard me complain over & over again how much pain I was still in.  Yep, something wasn't healing right.

Every day last week, I was sinking in more & more pain... & I went to my surgeon on Thursday to get checked & was told that "I dont see anything - everything looks fine"...

& then I woke up on Friday & had that familiar feeling of not being able to walk, barely able to sit, hardly able to move.  So I go down to the emergency room at 6 am... ONLY to be sent away.  The doctor - who checked me for a 'pelvic infection' - WHAT??? ... actually, they had me as coming in on my chart as "lumps, bruises & callouses".... excuse me?

I SCREAMED for the ER doc to  come back so I could tell him why I was there in dire & screaming pain.... to STILL be told to go home - "I dont see anything"... & they packed me with a pain medicine prescription & told me to go on my way.

Are you kidding me?

I never - NEVER - take pain medicine - & I took some - because it was THAT bad.  & when Ricky got home, I had fallen asleep, in thanks to the pain meds & was laying on my stomach. He asked how I was feeling & I said, "I dont want to move, the pain isn't so horrible right now".

Except I moved....

& when I did, something REALLY didnt feel right.

All of a sudden, I felt the warmth all over my back side.  Blood was everywhere.  It was just oozing out of me....

Apparently, where no one "saw anything" - I had another abscess that had ruptured through my initial incision site.

I'll spare you all the details of it - but it was disgusting & I'm pretty sure my insides were oozing out.

We call my surgeon's office & they told me he was already gone for the day & already on call at the ER - so that's where we headed.....

Only to get a little bit more of a run around - before FINALLY someone grabbed the surgeon & he comes in saying "Rebecca" - like we're best friends & now so far on a first named basis, it's sort of ridiculous.

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& yep - another abscess had indeed ruptured.... so we know where that leads me.
Back in the OR.

Luckily, my pain was so bad & so intense (what's a weird sentence to say - Luckily?) that I hadn't eaten anything for over 24 hours.  I think I knew where this was headed, even if none of the doctors knew... surgery was in my future.

Because I hadn't eaten or drinking anything, I was able to get rushed right back into my familiar quarters. I was in a hospital room by 7pm on Friday evening.

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Yeah.... thanks for that ER doc that sent me home 12 hours earlier.....

& this time, the doctor really wants to make sure this infection gets drained - so get ready to clench your cheeks together if they're not already.... they put in a catheter this time around.  & they stitched this 3/8 tube to my butt cheek to keep it in... so yeah, let's recap that - I have a huge, tight, hard tube coming out of my back side, STITCHED to the inside of my butt cheek (let's just give up all modesty & shame because YEAHHHHH.....)

Needless to say, I am at home, laying on my side till this tube-baby comes out.

I did legit try to make it to work on Monday. I am nothing but determined to keep this job of mine.  But when I found I couldnt sit straight down for longer than 2 minutes - & my manager saw the pale look on my face - she sent me right home immediately anyways.

So yeah... did I mention that life is literally kicking me in the rear end right now? 
I think I'm becoming its favorite game to play with lately.


& side note - Blogger has been a mess lately. I know so many of you know this.
So sorry if I didnt reply back to all your wonderful & caring comments you left me.

I'm going to be trying out Disqus & seeing how this works. Let me know if anyone has any issues commenting with it & hopefully I'll be able to reply back to you with it.


& if you all could still lift up some prayers for me... because man, I'm tying that rope & hanging on about now....

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Tuesday, June 05, 2018

Living in the after....

Today is 3 weeks dad has passed away...

Technically, he passed away on a Wednesday - but when I think of when he passed away, I'll never forget it being a Tuesday morning getting the phone call from my brother & sitting in the hospital all day Tuesday... & it just happened that the day had moved on from one day to the next without us even being aware of it & then dad waiting until nearly sunrise before making that final leap into his eternal homecoming.  So when someone asks me when he passed away, I have said over & over the 15th & 16th... it makes sense to me.

Anyways, it still feels both like yesterday & forever ago ....

Every day is delivering a punch to the gut on reality though that dad really isn't coming back.

Funny how you can live through seeing someone take their last breath & go through a whole funeral process & STILL feel like they are going to call you on the phone, or you still wait for an email or text & always wait to hear the voice or the laugh again.... it really does feel like a punch to the gut. No other way to describe it.  Because every day, multiple times during the day, almost hourly, it takes the breath out of me & feels like an overwhelming weight on my body.

The after....

Or how I reference it, A.D.  - After Dad.
Which I see the irony here.
A.D. in Christian belief is the time after Christ rose from the dead....
I could probably write a whole blog post just on that irony & the emotions behind that.

I have seen so many of my friends have fathers pass away & my response has always been, "I'm so sorry - I can't even imagine"... & its so unbelievable true.  I could never have imagined how this feels. How this changes everything in your world. How empty a space can be.... I just never wanted to imagine it.

I always hear people say, its after everything slows down that is rough & I can attest to that.  When death happens, so many people surround to comfort. So thankful for each person who did just that - however it looked.  Reaching out with cards, messages, texts... & the people that came over & hugged & prayed with us, brought food, sat with us or even cleaned decks & houses & did laundry.  Every little thing mattered & every presence was felt.

& then people slowly get back to routine & their own life, as they should & as things just keep moving forward & we're left behind trying to figure out what our real life looks like.  How our forward seems so different than it did before May 15th.

People are asking me, How are you? How is your brother?  How are the twins?  & the one I hear at least a few times a day, How is your mom?

I can say we're all making it through.
My mom is obviously struggling. She's the one who, as we try to go on with our new lives & settle into new routines, her world is totally turned upside down.  She's feeling the empty space of my dad being next to her beyond what any one else could feel. & that's what happens with over 55 years of being together looks like.
Tony & Juli, the twins & Ricky & I are doing what we can to try & fill spaces for her.  We are trying to bring smiles to her face. Trying to make sure she's OK & making sure she's comfortable & has all she needs... but there's just some things we can't do for her like dad could. Even if she slept through a day & dad spent the day in the barn & they probably saw each other a few hours the entire day - they knew they were there for one another... & that's the hardest part for mom right now.

I can't speak for how my brother is doing. My brother is just a person who doesn't express a lot of his emotions anyways & I wouldnt want to attempt to put words in his mouth.  I know he's still feeling the loss of dad though in so many ways.  But men are just different how they handle grief & that's OK.   He's taken on so much responsibility & I worry for him. He has such a supportive wife & his girls love him so much,  but he still has that family & a home to take care of, & a hard job of his own & he's taken on doing so much with the horses & mom & dad's home... but he's not complained one time.  Not once.  He's figuring it all out & making it happen & getting things done.   He is definitely stepped up to fill dad's shoes.  I know my dad would just be so beyond proud of him, more than he ever had been, to see Tony in this role.

The twins?  They have their moments.  They are young & get to play their sports & keep busy with their friends & live the life of a 13 year old.  But I see it on their faces when they come to dad's house & feel so deeply the loss.  When I say that their Papaw was a part of their world, I cant even begin to explain how much that is true.  Dad, in his worst pain days with knees or hips, would find a way to get to whatever his girls were doing.  Nothing was better medicine in this world for him than those two..... They are just the sweetest souls - worrying so much about their Yaya & wanting to help her however they can.

Me?  Like I said - everything just still feels unreal. I have watched videos over & over again just to hear dad's voice & looked back at pictures & can remember the memories in every one of them. It's EXACTLY why I take pictures... why I get on everyone's nerves about always wanting to capture a moment.  It's times like this that they are PRICELESS.  I wish I took MORE video. MORE pictures.  There's just not enough.

Dad's birthday last July

In all this, I feel like I'm doing good at keeping a smile on my face - not being the person who you want to avoid because they're just going to depress you  (even if my blog seems like that right now - but its my outlet, so bear with me)  ... & then I feel guilty some times because I feel like everyone sees me with a smile on my face & then think, "Is she even upset about her dad passing away"... & then if someone sees me with a thoughtful or distant look in my face, I worry that they think, "oh, she's struggling" & then that just makes people feel uncomfortable & not know how to react around you....
that's the thing - there doesn't feel like a right/wrong way to do this. It just all feels messed up.
I guess it almost feels like everyone is judging how you grieve, if that makes sense.  Like everyone is watching to see if we're OK or not... & I know that's a good thing - but I guess it's just try & live up to a 'standard' of grieving? Is that such a thing? I think there may be....

& the ironic twist on that is I'm sort of judging everyone else for their happiness. How messed up is that? I told Ricky one day while I was scrolling through Instagram after seeing family get togethers & graduation parties & birthday parties & just smile after smile after smile.... I nearly threw my phone & I told Ricky, "HOW IS EVERYONE ENJOYING LIFE RIGHT NOW?"... its like I want everyone to feel my ache. I dont see how everyone is out celebrating fun things in the world right now.  Doesnt everyone know how empty the world is now?..... yeah - like I said - MESSED UP.

I keep thinking, I'll get back to things.  Try to get back in my routine at home & exercise after work (Forget that I'm still not healed up from my surgery) & just trying to settle back in all things usual. & even here on my blog, I think, I'll just do a  some of my regular blogging - like doing a 1-second video of my month or documenting my life in One Sentences at a time, or do a post on what I'm "Currently" doing ... & then I think, "none of it matters".... at least right now, it doesn't.   My view is just so different right now. My one sentence a day would be "Missing my dad" every day - my Currently would be "Thinking about my dad"... my 1-second videos would be of my dad's barn without my dad in it every day.
 ... I know life will settle back in, but for now... I just can't.  Simply, just can't.

It's crazy to look around & see so much of my dad in my life. & not just the idea of life - but my literal life. The things I see on a daily basis. My surroundings.   - The book shelves he made me in my library - the shelves he made for my Beauty & the Beast collection - the pictures of him on my walls - the little gadgets he'd buy me "just because " (why did you buy me a hand held can opener dad?) & of course, all the cards dad gave me.  I have a HUGE stack of cards that have come in the mail the past 2 weeks (THANK YOU TO ALL WHO SENT ME LOVE!!!!) & on top of them is the card my daddy brought me just one week before he left us, when he brought me my Hershey pie to make me feel better after my surgery.  It's the last card he brought me... & it was a funny one. He was so proud of it because it had a dog in a cone of shame trying to get through a doggie door & it said, "You'll make it through this" .... that's my dad.

I see him & still feel him everywhere....
I hope that never goes away...
but for now, it still just hurts & feels unreal.
& we're trying to get through each day.
One at a time.

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