29 days....

I left work yesterday & drove to our local pharmacy that specializes in compounding special prescriptions.

No, the prescription isn't for me.  It's Sydney's medicine.  The medicine they gave us the day they told us that she had bone cancer.

 

I was nervous picking up this prescription.

See, they told us when we got the diagnoses that the time left for Sydney usually averages around 3 months.

This bottle that I picked up at the drive thru window at the pharmacy is the 3rd bottle we've bought.  We're going into 3 months.

I opened it up & saw 30 pills sitting down the tube.  Took 1 out & mixed it up in peanut butter, along with a Prevacid to help with the stomach irritation this pill causes, & I saw 29 pills left.

It almost feels like a count down on a life now.

I looked down at our girl, who is still doing fairly well.

Yes, she has her moments.  She is walking much better.  Even chasing after Harvey & reminding him that though she is old, she is still the ruler of the dogs around the house.  They all know that.  We'll have to go & calm her down so she doesn't jerk too hard trying to 'run' after him.  We have to be so protective of her fragile bones.

She does have issues with breathing, but it seems to come only at night.  She has always suffered from allergies & we're going into Spring & yeah, our area just recently got noted as being the WORST place for allergies in all of the United States. 

Yeah... we're winners... (insert MAJOR sarcasm)

I think she's especially hot with her thick winter coat.  But we also can't take her to a groomer.  No way is it possible for her to stand up for a long period of time while someone grooms her.  I told Ricky we need to take our sheers & just cut off what we can on her.  Who cares what she looks like if it cools her down.

It's so strange though because as soon as I get up for the morning to get ready for work, Sydney instantly breaths better & calms down & sleeps like a newborn baby.  I'm not sure if she feels like we're taking care of her, so in return, at night while we're sleeping, she's going to take care of us.

Took this this morning as I was getting dressed
... her night time shift is over...

There's still life left in this old girl. 

Just yesterday, I took her out front when Ricky stopped at the end of the drive way to get our mail.  She sat at attention & watched every move he made, & as soon as his truck came up the drive, she took off to greet her dad.

Yes - life still left in her...

just waiting for her daddy to make the drive up

A lot of love still left in her...

Ricky still says we don't know 100% its cancer.  Maybe those x-rays are wrong.  Maybe its just a 13.5 yr old dog who has arthritis... they can't know for sure unless they did a biopsy.  & even though they said they've seen enough of it to know, they still could only tell us they were 90% certain.  That's not 100%

What I'm saying is, we're just trying to focus on the good.  That maybe there is a 10% chance they're wrong.  That there is a life there that still loves us & wants to protect us & wants to spend all her time with us.

We'll focus on that instead of the 29 pills left in that bottle...

& we'll take the next 29 days & we will love on this baby...

& hopefully continue on for another 29 days... then another... then another...

Why I sometimes hate church....

Hate church?  What?  What kind of post is this madness?

It's one that is personal to me - that's what kind of post this is.  It's not meant to offend anyone, it's not meant to point fingers, it's not one to gather up sympathy from people to say, "oh, poor Rebecca"... its just how I have felt lately.

Let me explain.

Y'all know I really do love church... really...

I mean, I better - I spent a lot of time invested in it.

But some times, I just really hate how it makes me feel.

& I don't mean the parts about that I'm a sinner.  I was raised Baptist.  I was told that my whole life, along with messages of fire & brimstone.  I'm used to that part of it.

Miley knows... before she went all twerk crazy

This past Sunday in our church, the message started off with our pastor talking about his children - how they are all different & individual.  It made for an excellent point on how we, as God's children, are all different & unique & each person needs to be handled according to their personality & what is expected of them.

OK - I get that message - I understand the point - I learned from it...

What I don't like is when the messages always go back to the "You know how your kids are"... "How many of your children do that?".... "Isn't parenting wonderful/hard/fantastic/stressful? (insert whatever word works for the message)

Its like all these people are shaking their heads around the room like a big 'Amen' happening, or some sort of secret hand shake between people that are in a special crowd.... & then there I am ... without children... sitting there trying to relate.  Trying to be a part of what everyone around me is agreeing with & slapping each other on the back for.

Everyone in church when the pastor talks about how hard parenting is

I know NOT having kids is the minority of the crowd in church & wouldn't expect messages NOT to have references to children.  I mean, the Bible did say, Be fruitful & multiply.  Some people take that very seriously. 

 

Hello Mrs. Duggar.

Heck - I even use examples all the time about being a Dog-Mom & how it relates to how God disciplines & relates to us.  I just don't need my belly rubbed as much as Harvey does.

But there also some people in that room at church who have to feel like I do...
& not even in my own church - but in churches everywhere...

There are some people in that room who struggled to have a child & just couldn't...
There are some people in that room who never found a spouse to have a family with...
There are some people in that room who lost a child & never saw their child grow up to have those 'parent' experiences...

& that's when church is hard & when I hate it.

Our church is doing a cool event that is focusing on marriage, & every promo I've seen about it has to do with marriages & family - how to keep marriages strong to benefit the family - which usually shows a crowd of kids piled in the back of a van.  A lot of showing how divorce effects children.

Does that mean my marriage isn't important because I don't have kids?

I actually asked our Family Minister - who is also my friend & knows my heart - "Is this going to be all questions about what you do for your children & how awesome your kids are, because then I can't be a part of it."

She told me that no, its focused on marriage - that it is putting the importance on marriage to the forefront... Awesome- then we're in
.... but then she ended saying something like, "... so if you do have a family, you're marriage is solid for having children"

There it is... again...

& I get it, she's the "Family" Minister who works with families that 99.9% have children...its what she's focused on.  And I do believe parents with children need to work on marriages to keep their families together... I know it deserves attention.  But again, its the place where Ricky & I feel like maybe we just don't fit in.

I hate when I feel like I don't fit in ... especially in church...

The worst is going to come this weekend.  An event I'm looking forward to because I love spending time with girlfriends, getting to know women of our church & getting to hear amazing speakers & worship in a large setting.... the Women of Joy conference is this weekend. 

Our church has over 20 women going...

But the one thing that always - ALWAYS - gets me at these events, there are always moments that are focused on children.  I mean, get thousands of women together & of course, they're going to talk about their children.  The speakers are going to talk about their children.  The stranger next to you will tell you about their children.

& when you meet new people from your church & they want to get to know you, every woman asks, "So, how many kids do you have?" ... EVERY.STINKING.TIME.

Its the go-to-question for women apparently.

So go to a place where there are thousands of women & yes, it will be the focus.

Luckily - the bigger focus is on God - that's why I go & what keeps me going back.

Maybe I'm being too sensitive about this whole thing, but I know I'm not alone.  I have other friends who struggled with infertility, with loss, with not being someone who fits in the mold of what a 'family' looks like.  & its not fun & its not comfortable & it makes you feel like an outsider...

& don't get me wrong.  I know I've said this before.  I am very very VERY blessed to have step daughters that I love dearly.  But when someone asks in church, "Do you have children?" - they don't want the back story of my husband's past relationships.  Not to mention, I always feel funny saying, "Yes" because I don't want to take anything away from their birth mothers who did raise them while Ricky & I were weekend parents.  A whole other topic.

& for the record, I am especially thankful for Julie who with no qualms lets me be a grandmother (or Nanny) to her boys... so while I don't immediately jump to saying yes, I have children, I do immediately jump to saying "I am a grandmother"...

In the end, I walked out of church Sunday, with all the parents of all the cool kids in our church (I can say that because I work with a lot of those cool kids - & they are pretty darn cool) & I just remembered that I may not be like everyone else...

but Jesus wasn't like every one else.

We're all called to walk different paths.

I just wish it wasn't so lonely on that path sometimes

Not having children always leaves time for being a super hero

 

The weekend that I didn't fall into a pond with a camera....

What a weekend... whew! Survival of the fittest!

Friday

* Time to pack up the gear... Harvey was a little confused why all these bags were in the living room. I think he was nervous thinking a trip was going to happen.  Actually, I take less on trips.

* I felt like someone drugged me.  I was tired the whole day & was just ready for an early bed time.  I didn't disappoint myself... I was snoozing by 9:30.

Saturday

* WEDDING DAY!!!... & it was beautiful outside.  Sunny, blue skies... started off COLD, but the forecast said it was going to warm up 20 degrees to get us to 56 degrees.  Perfection!

* I felt like I was on The Amazing Race... I had to park at the Bride & Groom's new house they were building, which is next door to their parents house.  They had said a cart would come get me with my equipment, but they were so busy setting up tents & arranging everything, no one saw me.  So see all that equipment in that picture above?  I ended up carrying it all... & not only carrying it all, but tackling 2 hills up & another down.  At one point, I was laughing because I thought, "I'm on TV - this can't be real"

I'm pretty sure I still had these pack mules beat

* .... & of course.... forgot one last piece of equipment & had to go back.  But luckily, the bride's dad drove me over in the cart & we got to pick up my buddy/assistant, who is pregnant & didn't need to do all that walking. 

* I felt like a dork driving in the cart with one tripod in my lap after I was carrying about 50 lbs on my own

* The day could NOT have gone better.  Between the weather, & the amazing family & friends that were surrounding us all day, it was just a perfect day.

* When the bride got dressed, her dad did a first look with her & then she gave him back her purity ring he gave her when she was young.  Oh my gosh... not a dry eye in the room.  These are the moments when its hard to be a photographer, clicking through blurry eyes.



This is about what Chasity & I looked like

* Chasity & I actually got to take breaks during the day & even snacked on food around lunch time! .... it felt like another world.

* It was thanks to people who listen because we buzzed through all the pictures like a breeze.  Chasity & I kept looking at each other & saying, "Are we forgetting anything?"... it just went that smoothly.  We're always prepared for chaos & disorder :)

Bride.. check
Groom... check
I think we remembered everything

* The property at this home was gorgeous & they have a pond behind their home with a beautiful red bridge that goes out to a island in the center of it.... every time Chasity & I got near the edges of this pond, I was convinced one of us was going in ... its just our style.  We both ended up dry & pond-free!  I told you it was a perfect day.

* My shoes when I got home...

* It takes time to upload wedding day photos, but I couldn't wait for a better time.  Ricky was watching the UK game (GO CATS!!!) & I knew I wanted to see the pictures, so I started the upload... it took me 3.5 hours to get them all uploaded.  That's a LOT of pictures.  That's going to be a LOT of editing.

* I ended my night with a dinner of Raisinets at 12:30 am.... #nutrition

 

 

Sunday

 

* Woke up & thought my legs & feet would be sore from standing 10 hours... nope - but my biceps were KILLING me. I couldn't figure out why, then remembered the Amazing Race leg that I had to do with my camera equipment.  Which by the way, I had to carry back to the car.  Chasity had helped me on that part, but after holding 2 cameras for 10 hours, my biceps said, "We're done"

 

* One of the students did the message in our youth class - he was AMAZING!!!! Granted, his father is the pastor of our church, so he gets his speaking skills legit - but mercy, this young man could be a pastor today.  Heck, what am I saying - he WAS a pastor this day!

 

 

* I woke up early & after not getting into bed till 1 - I was dragggggging.  I went to Starbucks & noticed their calorie counts on the menu now.  Café Mocha?  More calories then my whole breakfast.  I couldn't make myself get one.  I ended up with the Very Berry Hibiscus, which is only 100 calories for a Venti.  Thanks Starbucks for ruining my caffeine go-to.

 

* We met up with friends to see "God's Not Dead"... awesome!  It was so fun seeing it with them just because the song by the NewsBoys in it, it was a song that was a center theme played at the Jr. High conference, Believe, 2 years in a row... so me & Chasity were able to sit in the theater & do the hand moves with it. #dontcarehowoldIam

 

 

* I said this movie should also be called, "World Suckiest boyfriends & girlfriends" ...

 

* Got home about 7:30... I literally spent fewer hours awake in my home then any part of my whole weekend...

 

* Let the editing begin of wedding pictures!  YAHOOO!!!!

 

Sneak Peek



 

 

* Revenge... I'm not sure I'm feeling it as much anymore... sad... I really liked that show.

So how was your weekend? 

Did you have any "Amazing Race" moments?

Did you almost fall into a pond with a camera?

Friday Fragments

Friday!!!

 

_______________________

 

I think all the elements are just determined to hit us.

First we've had an awful winter - lots of snow & ice

... now, waters are rapid around these parts...

 

 

& this was yesterday about 5... before ANOTHER

storm came in & added more water, more mud slides, more gravel pouring into the streets... its ridiculous.

Schools are even on a delay.

I'm afraid what's next.

 

____________________________

 

I am shooting a wedding tomorrow

... an OUTDOOR wedding!!!...

so we're praying for a major SOAK UP of the water

 

They have a pond in their yard that is right behind the tent they're getting married in

... when we left last night, it was about 1 foot from creeping up to the tent.

 

Me thinks the tent is full of water this morning.

This is gonna be interesting

 

How funny... as soon as I typed this, a friend on Facebook put up this picture..
I didn't know she lived next door to the wedding party
... but yeah, there's the pond ... & there's the tent.

_____________________________

 

All this rain?

I have to hook Harvey up.

He's been a good boy lately & been getting freedom when we leave

(not the run of the WHOLE house, but at least not tied up & he can come in & out)

... not when it rains...

freedom is KAPUT

Because that little furry boy LOVES rain & LOVESSSS mud even more

 

My kitchen floor will never be the same

 

 

So today, he got hooked up so he can't run in 2 inches of mud.

I think I made the right decision

 

_____________________________

 

Speaking of dogs... I'm so heartbroken.

Our neighbors dog is missing.

I LOVE LOVE LOVE this dog...

& he reminds us so much of our Buffy.

It was always helpful to love on him & rub those lab ears when we missed Buffy after she passed away...

 

 

Now, he hasn't been home the past few days to eat.

The neighbors were looking for him & the search came up empty handed.

I feel like we've lost Buffy all over again.

 

______________________

 

I went for my annual exam this week & she sent me to have my Vitamin D tested

... they called & said I was "Extremely, EX-TRE-ME-LY low on Vitamin D"

& I'm supposed to like take quadruple the amount a normal person is supposed to take for a month

... my stomach doesn't do well with lots of meds or vitamins...

 

I think I just need to go on vacation & do nothing but soak up natural Vitamin D

 

 

_________________________

 

The Following

 

 

That show freaks me out

... & now that they're taking it to a religious cult sort of thing...

its making me feel uncomfortable

 

But yeahhhh - Claire!!!!!

 

_________________________

 

So I guess I was the only person on the face of the planet that watched

 Once Upon a Time in Wonderland

 

 

last night was the last one.....& I loved how they ended it.

A perfectly good Happily Ever After

 

I read The Knave is going to be popping up on the original Once Upon a Time

... yes!...

 

_________________________

 

So we have to wait till October for The Walking Dead to come back??

SO messed up.

It was such a slow season & then it FINALLY gets action & gets good

... & now we wait...

 

Who do you think the people from Terminus really are?

 

______________________

 

Hope everyone had a fantastic Friday!!!

& that you don't float away... at least if you're in this area!

 

 

#ProjectThankful14

 

Thankful Thursday with some awesome ladies!!! Yahooo

 

 

03.27.14 - Fuzzy Socks & Warm Blankets

 

Yeah - its Spring... that still feels like winter

... some days...

& this was one of them.

Cold night... I love fuzzy socks & warm blankets on exactly those nights

 

 

03.28.14 - A Cleaning Hubs!!!

 

 

No... I don't believe Hell froze over...

but I'm not sure WHAT inspired this.

Maybe that you couldn't hardly see out of the windows?

Anyways, the hubs took the paper towel & cleaner & got the ladder & cleaned away.

See?  If you wait long enough, they'll break!

Now I'm waiting to see how long it takes before he does the other windows :)

(Take note of the window in the picture above... that's where the dogs look out so that window is full of dog licks & nose prints)

 

SIDE THANKFUL NOTE

UK beat UL Friday night...

you can't understand how that makes my life so much easier

 

 

03.29.14 My tablet with Netflix

 

 

It takes that kind of distraction to keep me on the treadmill for over 2 & a half hours.

I can't believe it took me this long to think to bring my tablet down & put it on my treadmill.  I usually am stuck with watching infomercials which bores me to death...

with this now?  I may end up being a pro runner...

...yeah.. I just laughed at that thought too...

I'll stick with being a slow turtle runner

 

 

03.30.14 - Running shoes from the Hubs

 

 

Gotta love a man who gets you shoes...

gotta love a man who gets you RUNNING shoes!!!

 

 

03.31.14 First day for Flip Flops!!!

 

 

Its been so up & down, I haven't been able to break out my flip flops

... but today was the day..

a day in the 70's

I didn't even plan on it - didn't have my toe nails painted

& I didn't even care

A maxi skirt & flip flops?  Every day please.

 

 

04.01.14 - Taxes DONE

 

 

We're usually pretty good at getting taxes done by late January but this year?

We've been slugs about getting them done.

I got them wrapped up & finished ... & then thought it's appropriate that I'm thankful for this on April's Fool's Day.

 

 

 

04.02.14 - Signs of Spring

 

 

We're going to be in the 50's again this weekend,

but Spring is fighting to burst through.

With just a few days in the 70's this week, its been like night & day.

Seriously - I went out at lunch Monday & saw 1 tree with buds on it

... after 2 days of higher temps?  The whole road by my work has every tree with buds on them.

& this is at my house

Flowers trying so hard to force winter to just leave

 

 

What are you thankful for this week?

 

 

A day without a cell phone....

I forgot my cell phone the other day coming to work.  I already told you how much I felt like I was lost that day.  Scared to death to drive out at work.  Afraid a gang of ninja's was going to attack me & I had nothing to call someone to come to my rescue... or video of me kicking their butts... whichever mood I was in...  Catch me on a bad day & it's possible.

But Sunday, Ricky & I pulled out of the drive way & got to the end of our road & I remembered... NOOOO!!!! I forgot my phone again!

You think, "Its just the end of your road, go back"... no.  Our road isn't just a little road. Its 2 miles of hills ... & for the most part, whenever Ricky & I are going down the road, we're usually late anyways.  So needless to say, I ventured out on another day & forgot my phone... again....

I swear, I'm going senile...

I don't know how many times during the day I said, "I need my phone"... Here were some of the things I missed with my cell phone nicely tucked on a charger next to my bed.

* Missed a picture with my Instagram buddy!
I have a friend who used to go to my church & this Sunday we visited her church... & she was singing on stage!! So I missed taking her picture as a SUPER STAR, plus, she's on Instagram & she always talks about how much I post on there so it would have been the perfect moment to take a picture of the two of us together!!!  Moment missed.
We did take advantage of talking all about health eating & nutrition... this lady is on top of her game.. in every area of her life!

* Missed a picture of Ricky with an embarrassing bag!!!
We ran over to the mall & he went into Hollister.  He came out with some jeans & a shirt & they put all his new fashions in a bag... with a nearly naked man... on both sides of the bag.  He refused to carry it.  I just laughed & told him he better be lucky I forgot my phone, because that picture would have been up everywhere...
Ricky gets slightly embarrassed over the smallest things.  I would have taken a picture of me acting like I was flirting with the guy... we're so different.

Ricky's bag cut off about the belly button
... making it look like he had on no pants! haha!

* Missed a picture of amazing trained dogs!!!
We had to go to Pet Smart to pick up Bruno from being groomed & they had a training class going on.  The most beautiful dogs - all lined up in a row, laying down, minding so well... it would have been a picture that would make me smile. I love dogs.  I also could have gotten a picture of their reaction when I said, "Watch out - we'll be bringing our little hellion through here messing you all up in a minute" ... which embarrassed Ricky that I said that in front of a dozen strangers.
(For the record, Ricky carried Bruno out the other side so he couldn't disturb these good dogs... )

* I couldn't figure up math!!!
I'm sorry - I know I do accounting Monday - Friday but I'm awful with math in my head.  Please make note of the comment about me going senile.  But I rely so much on my calculator on my phone.  Sunday, I was in a panic... 4+4 is WHAT???!?!?! Help me!!!

* I didn't have my shopping list for Target!!!
Yes - I keep a list of things I need to remember to pick up at Target every week... & then still usually forget it & have to go back to Target the next week. 

* I didn't have my Target Cartwheel app!!!
Why do I feel so screwed over when I don't get my 5% off dog bones????

* Have to stick together!!!
Ricky & I tend to get into Target & see each other at the door & then kiss each other buy & we're off.  He has his clearance tag route, I have my route - which usually winds through the fitness clothes, house ware goodies & make up & hair stuff... where Ricky could care less to go.  But with phones, its easy to find each other or tell each other to "come here -you have to see this"... with no phone, we had to stick together.  What torture!  I had to get stuck looking at Bluetooth wireless speakers... Ricky had to get stuck with me trying on reading glasses.  This is marriage before cell phones?

* Starbucks app!
I about panicked when I wanted to stop at Starbucks & I didn't have my phone. What do I do?  WHAT DO I DO??????  I totally forgot I had my actual gold card IN my wallet.  Real cards still exist?  I'm used to just scanning my phone.  & its like I forgot Starbucks takes actual cash if need be.


* My Fitness Pal
We stopped for Panera at breakfast (mmm... steel cut oats with pecans?... the best!) & then we had stopped for lunch.  & all this time, I was panicking wondering what my calories were for the day. And how am I going to track my water I drink for the day?!?!!?

Waffles have no calories when you don't have an app to tell you otherwise

* Picture of Starbucks & Panera food & drink
... because why not... is the cool thing to do...

* My Notepad
I'm going senile... did I mention that?  Anyways, I have an app that takes notes... & mercy, I use that more then I care to admit.  I think of things I want to talk about on my blog, or something I need to do later at home & usually, I'll forget 10 minutes later.  So I pull out my notepad app & type it in & VIOLA - memory maker!  I kept thinking, "don't think of any ideas" because I knew it wouldn't matter anyways.

In the end, we got home about 4:00 & I ran into my room, took my phone off the charger & hugged it...

I never want to go through another day of missed opportunities again....

How was that heart attack?... what side do you see?

Weird title... I know...

But the church we visited Sunday told a story about a man having a heart attack.

A man had a heart attack & someone came up to him & said, "So, how was that heart attack?"... like it was a party that everyone wants to have.  The man was confused & said, "What are you talking about?"

The man said, "Well, do you appreciate every morning you get to wake up now?"
... Well, yes
"& do you love to see the sun set every evening?"
... Yes, I do...
"& do you feel like you are appreciating your body & taking better care of it?"
...Yes, I am...
"& do you love your family even more, giving them more hugs & holding them closer then ever?"
... Yes, I do...
"So, let me ask you again - How was that heart attack?"

I loved that because it was a message on how God can work through suffering.  In the worst things that happen to us, good things can happen.  Adversity can happen.  Appreciation can happen.

So Ricky & I were talking about that message & I said how much I loved that heart attack story.  Ricky looked at me & said, "Yeah, but it could go the other way too"
What?  I didn't understand what he meant...

& he said, Yeah someone could say, "How do I like this heart attack?  Well, now I'm on medicine that costs me a lot of money.  & now I'm afraid to do a lot of things because I'm afraid it will cause another heart attack.  & yeah, my family is frustrated with me because I now try to stay stress free & I just want to be left alone, & yeah, my bank account is drained from the expense of having the heart attack."

In Ricky's eyes, he saw the other side of it.

Let it be noted , which may seem a little obvious about this conversation, I always try to be an optimist, Ricky leans towards a pessimist side.  He will say he's more of a 'Realist" ... we balance each other out though - that's what makes a great marriage & why God brought us together. 

What I'm saying is Ricky isn't Mr. Bah-humbug for thinking & saying that...
I think a lot of people feel the same way.  They see the 'other side'...

& a lot of times, that's what people live & experience...

its not always roses & butterflies... sometimes its hard & frustrating & aggravating...
& people don't see God in situations...

I thought about our conversation on this.  Which ended, as most of our conversations, with me just saying , "Oh Ricky".. & he saying, "Oh Rebecca"...
those conversations where you just don't find middle ground...
& I thought to myself, yeah know, its all about attitude.

Do you want to find the good in things?
Do you want to find God working in the areas of your life that are hard?
Do you want to be optimistic about it?

its hard...
When bad things happen, its easy to focus on the bad...
But you have to really want to look 'on the other side' of bad...