Monday, December 30, 2019

When you get a do-over for your Birthday!!!

Today is my birthday!

It's kinda funny because Ricky has a thing for making us older than we really are.  Like, he tells me all the time, "You're 50"... I'm not.  Today I am turning 48...which blows my mind. In my mind, I want to say I'm 37.  How I got to 48 so fast is beyond me!!!....

But literally, for the past year, Ricky kept telling me, "You're  only 1 more year to 50"... & I honestly didnt think anything of it.

I did the math though... & realized I was going to be 48 this year.  When you think you're 37, I didnt give the year much thought.  But the math came up that I'm not going to be 49 as Ricky made me believe this whole past year that I have that 1 more year till I'm 50.  I was actually 47 & I was just going to turn 48.  Hold up!!! I already thought I was 48....

Let me tell you - I was like... " I JUST GOT A FREE YEAR OF LIFE!"

Seriously - that's what it felt like.  I thought I had already lived my 48th year... & today is just kicking it off.

& you know what... I'll take a do over.  Gladly. Hand it over.  Let's do this baby all over again.

I always take a portrait sort of picture for each of my trips around the sun...
the photographer in me cant help it
I thought my 46th year was my worst... which is really always will hold the record.  Lost my Daddy unexpectedly... lost my only uncle on my dad's side... lost Ricky's Uncle... lost some dear friends.... & let's throw in 3 surgeries.  Yeah... My 46th year will always go down in history as unbelievable in the worst possible use of the word.

So I had high expectations for 47 last year.

Except I turned 47 just 3 weeks after my 3rd surgery.  That kicked off a long road for me this past year.

Healing from my surgeries has been tough.  I spent many a time back in my surgeons office getting checked & rechecked to make sure the fistula was healing & not coming back (GASP!!!) & the pain of moving & sitting & living just wasn't easy - its still not. Some days, I live in pain  This pain has kept me so immobile - something that I haven't really been used to.

Not being able to exercise like I usually do has really taken a toll on me.

Let's add in that I've really had a hard time with missing my dad this past year.  I feel like the first year of loosing him - getting through those "firsts" is what every one says is the hardest part.
No... it hasn't been for me. It's been the living afterwards.

Its like when there is a funeral.... everyone is there, visiting, bringing dinners, surrounding you with love & presence.  But everyone gets back to their own lives & you're all alone.  That's where I feel like this year has been.  Life has been going on & I've just felt alone.  Not from friends or support or anything like that... Alone in the sense that I miss my daddy with every inch of my soul.  The realization that he's really gone & he's not coming back. Of knowing he's not there to call to tell how my day went or to get advice... or to get my annual birthday pie from him or the little things he always did to let me know he always knew I was his little girl.  Yeah, this year has been hard.

So to add that emotional state with my inability to exercise like I used to... my 47th year has left me in a slump.  Physically & emotionally.

Plus, I looked back at my Top Nine pictures on my Instagram & see that 4 of them them involve me sitting in chairs for 4 months of my life this past year to have needles jabbed in my arm every week while they pump me full of stuff to get my blood & feritin up.... only to have it fall right back down.

& those infusions caused me to be so sick & kept me in bed for my weekends & again, let's just tap into the mental challenge of all of this.... & the physical pain of the needles & bruises... yeah.... I dont want to talk about that right now because I'm really in a state of prayer  if I want to continue this because I know in March, they'll want to start the infusions all over again....

Did I mention my physical & emotional state a little bit ago? ... let's just take that up a notch higher with all the blood issues & the unknown reason of why it keeps happening... WHERE IS THIS BLOOD GOING & WHY CANT I PRODUCE IT MYSELF???

But I'm recognizing all the things I've been through... all the challenges... all the things that I've had to face... which is the first step of any sort of healing, right?  Acknowledgement ... & I'm ready to take some steps to get back on track...

 So to think my 48th year has passed by & has been lived & it actually hasn't - I get another chance at it!   That makes this birthday super exciting to me.  A do-over. Another chance to grab life by all that it has to offer & really take advantage of it.

A chance to find ME again!.... I've missed me.

It's kinda fitting that my birthday is so close to New Years Day... the time of the year where we really like to start new beginnings... new goals... new challenges.... so I'm ready for my 48th trip around the sun.  Time to LEVEL UP...

Everything in my own power & by God's gracious mercy of another year, I'm going to work hard at getting back to myself.  Because I deserve it... more importantly, I NEED this.

Let's do this 48!

2016   2017   2018

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