Tuesday, February 27, 2018


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I was standing in the copy room last week when my manager came up to me & said, "I'm going to refresh my drink but when I get back, come in my office so we can do your 3 month evaluation"

I literally looked at her & said, "I think I'm going to be sick"....

She laughed at me & thought I was joking & walked away to get her hot tea refill.
I stood there & took deep breaths.  & started praying.

First of all, I didn't know they did 3 month evaluations but I guess that makes sense. Nip it in the butt if you aren't doing things right or correctly.

Second, I hadn't even realized I'd been at my new job for 3 months now. Isn't that crazy?

It feels on one hand that I've been away from my other job forever.  I guess when you see faces for 25 years straight, when you dont see them for a few months, it tends to feel like years have gone by.

But I'm also still getting used to downtown traffic & downtown lunches & parking garages & how to handle new situations that always pop up daily, so on other hand, it does still feel new & just a few months into the game. 

I saw my manager walk into her office, give me the hand motion to come in & I sat down in the chair. I'm nothing but honest & told her once again I could get sick & I was a nervous wreck.

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Basically my reaction sitting there a nervous wreck

She then realized I wasn't joking from my first comment.  "Why? Why in the world would you be nervous?".... & then she handed me my evaluation that had sunshine marks all over it (how cute is that?) & the kindest words of encouragement & praise of a job well done so far. 

I took the biggest sigh of relief.

But I told her, you never know if you're doing things right.  You don't know if you're missing something because you dont know if there's something to miss. 

She assured me that everything I was doing was correct & on the right track  & she had big things in store for me... I walked out feeling very uplifted at my new beginning here & once again so thankful for the great people I work with.

& when I got back to my chair, it hit me.... I think that drop in the gut feeling... it all comes from being judged.

No one wants to stand in front of someone & get evaluated, not really. At least not me.  Even when I feel like I do something good, I'm the type of person who just knows the other person is going to see something bad in it.

It's why photography has turned into such a stressor for me.  I feel like I do good with photos or editing but live in such fear of disappointing a client. Being judged in how they see my vision of art in photography.

It's why I get nervous when someone comes to my home.  They see my style of decorating, or my lack of cleaning or the way my kitchen is old & has cracked floors... & its the idea that someone is judging you.

I can sit & think of so many ways that I feel like people can judge you - for your clothes, your abilities, your age, your home, your spouse, your children, your car, your weight - let's not get started on social media....all of it - so dumb.

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I should have walked in with confidence knowing I'm doing my best & being OK with that...

& because y'all know I'm a middle school youth leader, my mind is always going back to examples of how to make that teachable... & we see so much in the Bible that reminds us not to judge others.  & that one day we will be judged for the life we lived... but as a Christian who believes in Jesus Christ, we can walk up in that judgement with confidence that He will stand in our place of the ultimate judgement.

Because y'all, we are NEVER going to be good enough. 

There's always going to be things we're not great at - things we can always learn - things we are going to always mess up at.  & it's OK to have someone tell you when you need to get better at something, or to correct you when you mess up, but I dont have to feel the burden so heavy. 

It's just doing the best you can sometimes....

Such a comforting thought...

& all that from just a 3 month evaluation.

What happens at my 1 year evaluation?  I'll have to walk in & say, "I'm bringing Jesus in with me here"... my manager would probably expect me to say that... but it'll be true.

God help all of us in that evaluation in November.


  1. This made me so happy! This job truly is rainbows and sunshine for you! I can't believe you've been there for 3 months already!

    I was just thinking about the "judging" thing last night as I lay down to sleep. A lot of my problem is that some people in my life aren't living up to my "expectation" so to speak and I always feel like it's a reflection on me. Like I'm not good enough or that they don't feel that I am "worth it". I guess it's hard to understand without being in the particular situation.

  2. No joke - I was also thinking about judging yesterday. How judging is essentially comparing someone or something to what is assumed to be "perfect" - but none of us are perfect, so how can we judge? Actually, I was thinking more about the Olympics and how can someone "judge" what is a perfect trick on a snowboard when the person is clearly staying upright after completing the trick, so that's an 'atta-boy!' or 'atta-girl!' from me.

  3. My annual evaluations used to make me sick with nerves even though I knew I was doing my job well. One year, my manager had to reschedule my evaluation 5 times. THE STRESS. THE NERVES. I wouldn’t be able to concentrate on anything the days before and would walk in there shaking. I completely understand.

  4. Jesus is the one we will always be good enough for. Judging to me is a sin, a sad silly sin that is not worth it and I wish more people realized that. I used to have to give 90 Day Evals to my colleagues and even if performance was poor, I found good things to focus on! This company is so lucky to have a stellar gal like you!

  5. SO glad it went well! You seem to work in a great place.
    I’ve always loved my evaluations because I’ve always gotten valuable feedback but last year I was given a horribly unfair one and it still sticks with me and I have major trust issues. Now, in this particular place, I don’t like them.

  6. I'm glad it went well!! Sounds like you're so happy there. And that you work with great people.
    My boss has always told me if he has a problem with me, he won't wait until evaluation time to tell me and drop the bomb. But I STILL get nervous after 20 years working there. We have them twice a year. They aren't my favorite thing, even though they always go well. It's tough to sit there and be judged!

  7. As a professional and director of a department, I hate handing out evaluations and getting my own. That's just me. I just want everyone to do their jobs and do them well, including myself. Glad yours went so well, like I knew it would!

  8. Nothing to worry about ;) I'm so glad you received a great evaluation (of course!) and you're working in such an encouraging, gracious environment now! What a sweet manager!
    The fear of judgement and failure and envy is so worldly and materialistic. And so so so easy for us to fall prey to! It's so frustrating- but I think you summed it up perfectly! Jesus was in that office with you for your 3 month eval and He'll be with ya in Nov.!

  9. This job seems so perfect for you - I'm so glad your eval went well :) Disappointing people does scare the c-r-a-p out of me, but I just think about doing my best, and hopefully others will see that!

    Meg, Borrowed Heaven

  10. Look at you worrying for nothing. I do the same thing though, always worried about being judged. It isn't fun. You are so right, we need to be good examples and lead with confidence. I think it is a lesson I am constantly learning. Good job on your evaluation, if it makes you feel better...I never doubted you! :)

  11. I do the same thing, worry for nothing and hate that feeling of judgement. We all feel it, but you are a great person and should be comfortable in your own skin, look at all those kids who love and adore you!

  12. So glad your evaluation went well!

    I've accepted that most people will judge me on something and I think that's made it easier to not care. Except when it comes to clients. Then I really care about their opinion.

  13. I can so relate to this Rebecca. Disappointing people or not feeling worthy or good enough are thoughts that plague me constantly and rile up my anxiety to nuclear levels. I wish that I had a master plan that helped ease those thoughts because those fears I have are often big massive lies, just like your worries were too (of course you got all smiley faces, girl!). But we believe and they hold us back. One trick my old boss taught me was to keep a file of all the praise I'd received from her, co-workers, clients, etc so when I was feeling insecure about starting a new project or had made a legitimate mistake that was eating up my confidence that I could read the praise and remember my worth.

  14. I love this post. Won't it be wonderful when we stand at the judgement that Jesus will say, all her sins and mistakes and issues have been covered by my blood. She is one of mine!!

  15. Glad the evaluation went well! I always get butterflies in my stomach with evaluations too. But when my boss saw that at the first one, she told me that what we discuss in an evaluation should never be surprising. And if it is, then she has failed as a manager. She told me I can count on her to always let me know when something needs to be improved. And that definitely helped :) I figure, if she hasn't talked to me about something, then it's not going to come up out of the blue in the evaluation either.

  16. Congratulations! My money would have been on a great evaluation for you. They are blessed to have you. Seriously. No worries.

  17. I LOVE everything about this Becca; I know exactly what you mean by that sinking feeling in your stomach, and I LOVE how you drew the analogy back to that day of judgment when we'll all stand before the judgment seat, and our only plea can be Jesus' blood and righteousness. Our only hope is HIM who stood in our place, and it sounds like you also have a WONDERFUL boss. <3

  18. I love so much about this and appreciate your honesty. First off I love that you told her you might get sick. As someone who has an extremely weak stomach I can always appreciate a for warning lol. And second, you have to tell her that you are bringing Jesus into your next review. On a serious note, I can completely relate to all of your feelings. We are always taught not to judge and to be light and an encouragement to others, but the reality is it happens, and most of the times not on purpose. I actually struggle with telling a lot of people from my church or even friends about my blog or social media accounts because I feel like all the judgement is coming down. Anyway, sorry for the longest comment ever and I hope you continue to shine in your office! Sierra~Beautifully Candid


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