Monday, September 09, 2013

Buffy Sue...

The post I didn't want to write...

This was the picture I posted Friday evening....

It says it all...


a ball... with no player...

We knew Buffy was getting bad.  She seemed to go down just since Wednesday.  She was still happy last weekend & playing & running....

But she was going down... & we were watching it happen...

On the left - 2 weeks ago
On the right - Thursday
You can see how the cancer was just draining her

I prayed over her every day that God would take her gently or we would know without a doubt when it was time to help her go.  And I kept telling Buffy to let us know when she was ready to go....

Friday, we came home from work & she was laying outside... looking tired... looking more sunk in...
She was struggling to get up...
We took her ball & she would catch it laying down... but after 2 throws, she would hold it & not give it back... she was done playing...
I'd even take her Frisbee & throw it to her & she'd let it hit her face instead of catching it....

I always said when she stopped playing, we knew she was giving in....

I looked at her more closely & her gums had been turning, but now were a pale yellow.... the inside of her ears had even turned yellow
her liver was shutting down

We sat in the yard with her & cried because we knew this was coming to a point we had to make the choice...

Friday as we were figuring out what to do....
Sydney just stuck close to her sister


It was Friday & the vet closed early ... & we knew we didn't want her suffering during the weekend & have her die in pain while we sat at our home & were completely helpless to do nothing for her.

We decided it was time to go....

Buffy could hardly even walk.... Ricky had to take her in his arms & put her in the truck.

One last stop.  We went to the park.  Her favorite place in the world.

When we took her before, we'd make the turn into the park & she would jump & pant at the window, fogging it up with her breath, not able to get out of the car fast enough.  We took the turn this time & no reaction.  She looked around, but not moving.  We opened the car & she did get excited to get out.  Ricky had to lift her & she got out & took a few steps & just stood.... not the excited running yellow lab we were used to at the park. 
We let her take her time walking around - smelling her playground....

She just took it all in.... her favorite place

There were people playing basketball & when she & Sydney were younger, we used to go the park every weekend & we'd play basketball with them.  They literally would jump up to block the ball & then roll it down the court.  When Buffy heard the basketball, her ears perked up & she went to run to the court... but only make it about 4 steps & stopped... & just watched from a distance.
The life just wasn't in her anymore...

It was time to go...

We got to the vet & Ricky had called ahead so they were expecting us...

there's nothing like getting there & knowing this is actually happening.
Its like an out of body experience...
its not really happening, right?
Surreal

They took us to a room with couches, carpet on the ground... tissues...
They explained everything to us & let us spend some more time with her...
We took her ball with us & tried to get her play one more time... she would catch it.... but then just let it roll past her head & she laid her head down & just looked at us... so tired... so exhausted.

They gave us treats to give to her & Ricky even said, Buffy, please eat one more & we'll take you home.  Please...
He'd throw it at her & she'd let it hit her in the face... turn her head to the treats...

Why does it still never feel right to let them go even though you know its the best?

The vet came in with the shot...
I knew I couldn't stay.. I couldn't bear to watch ... so I left.
They ushered me out of the side door - I mean, who wants someone screaming & wailing sitting in the waiting room with people getting their dogs nails clipped?

Our last picture of Buffy
No energy to fight anymore


I leaned down & told Buffy I loved her - told her to go to heaven & find my friend Stephanie - Steph knows Buffy - & they could talk about how much liver cancer sucked... & Steph would play with her... I kissed her head & I walked to the door.  I looked back & noticed she didn't even attempt to move.
This is the dog that every time we were in the vet's office, even when we were there 3 weeks ago for the horrible news, a door would open & she was there trying to bolt out.
Not this time....
the sunlight was even shining through - showing her it was an exit to the outdoors... she still laid there...

I walked out...
I got out of the door & fell to my knees...
literally fell to my knees...

You hear of the scripture where it says the Spirit intercedes for you when you don't know what to say - that was me...
I just kept screaming "Jesus... Jesus... Please... Jesus"

Ricky stayed with Buffy... he said she was loyal to him all her life, he was going to be loyal to her till the end...

He said when they took her paw, she stiffened but didn't jerk - just was startled...
Again, this is the dog that when you would grab her paw to cut her nails, she'd jerk & pull & tug from you... not this time...
she just laid her head on Ricky's leg...
even scooted closer to him

Ricky feels horrible & believes she was scooting closer to him to have him help her...
I choose to believe she was scooting to him to let him know that she was thankful for him helping her get relief from this body that cancer had taken over....

Ricky said it was literally seconds...

she was gone from this world...

We sat in the parking lot for 15 minutes & just cried...
numb...
all so unreal...
so final....

& walking into the house without her
Life just feels so different now....

She was the one who was the first one to run to the door when you got home
She was the one who wanted to play ... even in the middle of the night...
She was the one who got all the dogs to be active in the home...



Our house is just different now...

Sydney keeps looking for her sister
Bruno is lost - Buffy was the only dog out of the others that would play with him
Zoe is the one who would chase Buffy when she had a ball...
Now - they're all just quiet... can feel the difference in the house...



Its been tough this weekend.
Tears that just spring out of no where...

Trips to the store make us think of her when we see dog toys
Looking in the cabinet makes us see all the food we bought to try & make her eat
The balls & ropes scattered around the house are memories of a dog who wanted nothing but to play



Its so hard...

I know when I go to work out this week, I'm going to cry - Buffy would always sit next to me working out & when I would finish, her tail would wag & she'd be so excited... like my own personal cheerleader. 



When it rains next, its going to be hard not to look out to know Buffy is laying in it because she loved water so much...

When we wake up in the middle of the night, it feels different not to watch out for her to not step on her where she blended in the carpet...

I'm glad I took pictures of her a few weeks ago... memories of her when she was still her playful self...

I know its blurry - a picture of a picture
But this is the first day we brought Buffy home in 2002
She just wanted Sydney to love her & take care of her
... Sydney did her job...


I'm glad I took videos of her the past few weeks... wish I took more
Makes me aware to take more videos of life around me every day....
Its good to see her alive... to remember her that way...

I think God is trying to give comfort though...
Friday night, Ricky said he woke up just full of grief & for 2 seconds - that quick - he said he saw Buffy sitting next to the bed - as clear as day...
but she was healthy, her body wasn't sunk in anymore & she was panting, the way she did when she was happy...
I honestly believe God gave him that quick vision of Buffy & the wholeness she is in now...
I truly believe it....

Ricky is feeling especially lost right now because while we both always put our dogs as a top priority, the past few weeks, Ricky did everything possible to help Buffy.  He literally would come in the door after work & sit with her & try every food combo possible to try & get her to eat.  He'd stop to pick up burgers, or chicken nuggets, or lunch meat... even fed her an ice cream bar on Thursday... & bless his heart, he would sit up through the night with her to comfort her.  She even would go & sleep in the yard in the middle of the night (something she never did) & Ricky too a blanket & pillow & slept with her out in the yard...

that's the kind of person my husband is....



We had Buffy cremated & we went out this weekend to get a stone marker for her.
Going to bury her with her ball & rope...
Want her near us...

She's always going to be part of us....

She's been through holidays with us
She's played with our grand babies
She's loved on our friends
She's kept me warm on winter nights
She's protected our house with her deep bark
She's made me go outside & enjoy nature when I would otherwise waste time
She's been the best friend anyone could have

And I want to thank everyone who sent us messages, texts, phone calls...
We appreciate it.
I never had children of my own... & while I have wonderful step daughters, my dogs are my family in a big way... my babies...so when some people may just think, 'its a dog' - no, its my family...

a piece of both mine & Ricky's heart left this world Friday...



2 weeks ago...




The difference....

Cancer sucks.....






19 comments:

  1. Being honest, I could not read this post. I have cried for you this weekend, and I know I will cry when I read this, and I have to get to school...

    But I will read it. Just not yet.

    Selfish? I don't think so. Dog loving kindredness knows I'd be a wreck for you all day. Just as I was when I was getting my hair done and saw the photo on Friday. My stylist/friend and I talked about you, about Buffy, about the places in our hearts dogs move into and take over.

    Dog heaven, she is there...

    Ellen

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  2. Oh Rebecca Hi. I am so sorry for you and Ricky. Lifting you both up in prayer today!

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  3. Oh Rebecca, I am so sorry for you and am praying for you as you start your week today without her. I cried all the way through this post, feeling your pain and remembering going through the same thing with our dog Zach 10 years ago. So hard. (((hugs)))

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  4. I'm literally sobbing here. Praying that you and Ricky will find comfort in remembering what a good friend Buffy was.

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  5. We don't have children either. And for those who say, "it's just a dog" doesn't get it.

    Rest assured, friend, I get it. And I know how hard this is.

    One suggestion that may help is if it is too hard to look at the treats and special food that you got for Buffy (believe me, I went through this with my first dog who died when I was in graduate school)--local shelters often take open bags of treats and food. There are people who turn to them for help for food costs for their pets, and they give out the donated food.

    Hang in there, friend!

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  6. Oh Rebecca! I am in tears reading your beautiful post...I'm so sorry about Buffy...your words are such a beautiful tribute to her, you can literally feel how much you loved her and she loved you! Love, hugs, and prayers sweet friend!

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  7. I seriously wish I could hug you right now!!! If only there weren't distance and a computer screen standing in our way. Love you and lifting y'all up!!! XO

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  8. I tried to make it through this post, but I just couldn't. My animals have always been my family. I am so so sorry for your loss. Praying for your grief and comfort today. And going to find tissues now, too....

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  9. I should have been like Ellen & skipped this post until I got home from work - crying here.

    You & Ricky & your other furbabies are in my prayers!

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  10. With tears streaming down my face I want to say that I am so sorry. My heart aches for you and with you. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers, praying for your comfort and strength during this difficult time. I have been through this so many times and I know how much your hurting.((HUGS))

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  11. Crying. I have no words except I am so sorry. I'm praying.

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  12. I am so very, very sorry. Losing a fur baby is unbelievably hard.

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  13. I was bawling as I read this. My heart goes out to you. We have a 13 year old Schnauzer who is nearing the end. I can't believe how quickly she went. You did the right thing.
    That Ricky is a keeper. :)

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  14. They are your children and so much more.They are someone you share your best and your worst moments with.Someone you confide in,give your whole heart to and suffer so much when they are hurt or wounded.The unspeakable loving looks of a true friend that steals and melts your heart at the same time. They are somone that your never want to be without.But one day you find yourself there.As hard as it is,I did find some comfort in helping mine to be whole again. To be out of pain and suffering. I am happy I could do that. But I will never forget how sweet his last breath was in my nose.How he was finally at peace.He did not have to do one single thing to please me and make me feel better.He felt better and we know it was all we could do. I miss him so much. And I am so sorry for your loss and your breaking heart.We at least had them in our lives and knew loyalty and love with no doubts.Unending loss and love.Until we are joyfully together again in spirit and in love.

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  15. Oh, I am so sorry. I know how hard it is to lose such an important member of the family. Good luck to you!

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  16. I am so sorry :-( I know how hard it is to lose a pet. I'll be thinking of you guys!

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  17. I'm reading this through tears. You write so beautifully about your love for Buffy and the pain of losing her. I am sitting here, holding my dog Warner extra tight and saying a prayer for you. May Buffy rest in peace.

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  18. I'm just now catching up on some older posts. Please know how sorry I am for your loss. It is so hard to say goodbye to a beloved pet who is a part of the family. I know your Buffy will be greatly missed. Take care.

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  19. I'm so sorry. I cried all the way through this post. We had to do the same thing. The same exact thing, last summer, with our yellow lab, Molly girl. It rots. My heart still hearts - although less intensely.

    Sending you virtual hugs.

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