Wednesday, May 08, 2019

Time to just start talking about it

I used to do a post called Training Tuesday... those were the good ole days when I was actually training for something ....a fitness goal, something that had me moving & going & focused on some physical feat, & a lot of races.

A race?  Man... I just want to laugh... or cry... or both.  My heart hurts thinking that it's been over a year now since I've ran.  As much as I complained about it, I find out how much I miss it.  The excitement of race day.  The feeling of accomplishment.  The physical attributes of running like strength, endurance. 

This past year has really take a 180 turn from everything good when it comes to health.

I am now at the unhealthiest moment of my life ... which is where the confession part comes in on this because that's just not fun to say.  It really really really bites actually.  & I FEEL bad.  I dont have any sort of strength.  Endurance? What is that?  It's amazing the difference I feel in my body over this past year.  The numbers on the scale shock me every week... the way my clothes feels just disgusts me.... the reflection I see in the mirror actually makes me cry.  It's just gotten really out of control for me.

I know heading into perimenopause isn't helping one bit , but all the other physical things I've been through over the year.... yeah, to say I dont feel like myself lately would be a huge understatement.

Between being out of commission for these past 3 surgeries, & when you have a few holes in your butt that has left their mark (I have lost all shame in what I've been through the past year when it comes to my surgeries #sorrynotsorry) ... but seriously, have a hole in such a sensitive area & then try to walk, much less run.  It hurt to even sit. My most comfortable form of being out of pain in the best way, was to lay... on my side....That is the 180 turn I'm talking about.  Running vs. laying in bed. Yeah.  You see how this all got started.

I couldnt even do any sorts of exercises in bed.  Believe me, I thought about it. I couldnt do any ab work - pressure of sitting up hurt my back side.... try lifting your legs to do leg work laying in bed?  Nope - lifting your legs takes lower body strength.  You would be totally surprised on how much your butt is involved with your every day function or movement.

I've tried to start working out again... & I have in small doses. 

& then the iron thing came up - & I couldnt hardly breath even doing the lowest of low impact. Heck, I was getting out of breath just holding a conversation, forget trying to walk down the drive way, or move in any sort of way.

It's literally felt like I've slowly been dying over the past year physically.  It's been the worst feeling I can imagine.  As someone who has felt the high of endurance sports, this has just been painful to my heart & my soul & especially my body.

Doses of steroids with iron infusions.... recovery time.... on-going pain.... all have been my walls I kept banging my head into.

& then the biggest thing - The mind part - the emotional eating.  I've always had a relationship with food I wish I didn't have.  Let's throw in the loss of my dad & I have been fighting those moments all year long of just saying "Screw it - pass me the candy bar"... like chocolate will soothe the soul or fill some sort of emptiness in the loss my life has now.  It's funny how your brain works in moments like this. 

I've just started the book Made to Crave by Lysa TerKeurst & just a few chapters in, I feel the spark of taking control again, taking note that God did create us to crave things - but He also created us with a sense of self-control & our cravings should all be directed towards Him & growing closer to Him - & including taking care of our temple that God created.  It's so good & I'm so enjoying it & I'm literally only on page 57.

It really helped me too going to our big marathon's expo a few weeks ago.  I had actually wanted to go back to do this race for 2019 because that was the exact 1 year anniversary of my first emergency surgery.  I was supposed to run that race last year in 2018 & instead of going to the expo to pick up my race packet, I instead drove to the ER.  So in my head, I had big expectations to do this race this year as a IN YO FACE LIFE moment... but life laughed back at me.

Walking into that expo this year, I wondered if I would be super sad & trigger another moment of emotional eating.  I have to say, I was inspired... I want to lace up my shoes again. I want to be at the start line next year.

My magnet I got at the expo... reminders of a goal ahead

& I know if that is going to happen in 2020, I have a long journey ahead of me.

I have to get things back in check.  In all the areas.... I need to get my eating in control. I need to get my exercise priority back in check.  I need to get this weight off of me & FEEL healthy. It's not about looking a certain way. Heck, I'm 47 years old - I have no expectations of looking like anything incredible - but I'm tired of being embarrassed of how I look. I'm tired of avoiding people & events because I just dont want the judgement. 

So I'm starting this right here on my blog where I talk about it.  Share with others. Because I know I'm not alone - right? Please someone tell me I'm not alone!!!  If its emotional eating, or struggle with exercise and fitness.  If its living in that struggle of talking down to yourself & being your own worst enemy.  I'm with you in all these things.  & I want to talk about it.  & I want to talk about it openly & honestly.  I mean, I've been talking the past year about 3 surgeries on my bum.... how can talking about getting healthier & the struggles that that entails be any worse?

It may not be a certain time of the week - maybe around Tuesdays or Wednesday? Maybe once a month?  Maybe every other month? I dont know how its going to play.  But I just want a diary sort of area where I'll just talk about my struggles of the week.  Where I failed... what foods I struggled with - what exercises kicked my butt (no pun in that!) but most importantly - & hopefully - where I thrived!  Where I accomplished!  Where I achieved.  I'm hoping for more & more of those posts.

I have a long road ahead of me.... but I was down it before so I'm no stranger to it. 
I have done it before - I can do it again.

I may be older & it may be harder - but doesnt age bring wisdom & a different kind of confidence?  I'll take this journey with a new insight.... hope some of you will go along with me holding those marathon signs up giving me that boost of encouragement along the way!


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